Exhausted.
Physically, mentally, emotionally.
I thought i could relax for once after our last exams. Was in depression again at that time. After the paper, my mind just went blank. I wanted to be free of this endless exams cycle.
That was more than 2 weeks ago. With the exams over, it means no more mugging till my head hurts. Just when i thought life would slow down, it slaps me in the face with even more burden. I know i asked for it, but i'm doubting i can handle all these.
A month away will be our annual sports. Only joined basketball and cheerleading, had practice almost everyday. I needed to push myself hard. This is the last chance i'll ever be in a sports team after all.
With the sports practice going on, we had to prepare for a poster presentation and study for another exams in 2 weeks. It wouldn't have been a problem if the practices had not battered my body everyday. I tried to find time to do those work. The only time i found is when i'm lying on the bed with my whole body refusing to move.
The emotional side of me ain't having a great time either. At all.
Someone asked me whether i had a girl friend. Or a close guy friend. Anyone i can confide to. I asked myself that many times before. I searched for someone among the people i know. None.
Told me it's not easy dealing with all the emotional problems myself. I almost cried there and then. That was what i've been feeling all my life.
Someone to pour my love problems onto, to tell bout my crush, to seek advices and comfort during emotional bouts.
None. Not my close friends, coz they don't know bout my sexuality, or at least we don't talk bout it. Not my family, coz it'd bring more problems if i ever bring my emotional problems up. Not other PLUs, all they think of is boyfriends and sex.
Most of the time i resort to strangers or random ppl. At least i could tell them everything without holding back. Because the next day, they would just forget bout it.
Or i just cried into my pillow and sleep. Somehow that made me feel better.
It's not easy.
For the first time in my life, i felt suicidal last night. If only that could solve everything.
I'm just tired.
8 comments:
hi darling. just wanna let you know you're not alone. :) im all ears if you wanna talk. and ooh, i can provide you with jokes as well! cheer up okay? *hugs*
Erm ... what about the bf? Isn't he there for you?
To me, if I were in your position, the bf would be the first I go to.
Don't know what gay friends you know, but I definitely don't talk about my bf and sex only
Death is not an answer. There is love all around, ppl who care for you. U just have to open your eyes to see it.
*hugs* Take care, be strong.
kekex: thanks darling. i'm fine dun worry =)
derek: there's just some things you don't talk to the bf about. i was just saying most of the gays i knew either wants to know me because they want me as a boyfriend or sex *shrugs*. i gave up even layan-ing them. heh
There there. All of us are exhausted because of something else well. :)
Cheer up lad.
aiyo... suicidal thoughts?! that's bad... think positive pal. Life is too precious to be ended just like that. Evry dark cloud has its silver lining :) cheer up!
A stranger may forget, but I always find that strangers, people who are detached from our problems can give the most refreshing views to our problems... they sometimes even cease to feel like problems. Hang in there.
qr: i know. i juz wonder how everyone else seems to be able to handle it =/
jl: heh dun worry dude. i'll never do anything stupid. juz my mind wandering and killing itself =P
william: yeah i agree.. most of the time they aren't biased too.
hey.
i stumbled upon your blog through another blogger's link.
and i've gotta say, i like the way you express your feeling.
with that, i can totally relate to how you feel. so i know how bad it feels at times.
but judging from some of your newer posts, i think you're a very strong person. i'm sure you'll do just fine. =) all the best
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