loneliness is a void

Here we are, lying in bed. Another night, another guy. Is this where life has brought me? A full circle?

"Tell me what you're thinking," says he.

I was staring straight up at the ceiling. It's dark, I have my glasses off, and it's kind of pointless trying to see anything.

"No, nothing."

"Come on, tell me."

"Really, it's nothing."

He pestered me for a few more moments. What was it I was thinking of? Honestly I don't know.

My mind had been wandering, wondering about what my life has become. Just the day before I agreed for a bisexual guy with a girlfriend to come over my place, fuck me, and leave. He's not even my type of guy. Tall, thin, and very much of a pretty boy twink.

"I don't mess with guys who are attached," I told another guy just a while before. Really, now? I don't even believe half the things I say sometimes. Sex does become something that rules your head if you let it.

So what was I thinking exactly. In truth, I was thinking whether it was time to move on again. To seek a relationship. To find someone who makes me happy, whom I can make happy.

I realised I had tears in my eyes. This is just embarrassing, guys are not meant to cry. I looked straight up at the ceiling. It's all grey in the darkness.

"Tell me."

Such a pest. I rolled him away from me and hugged him from behind.

"I don't know." I kissed him on the back of his neck.

He's a nice guy. He might have been interested in me. I might have been interested in him even. Am I really wanting a relationship now?

No don't be silly, I laughed at myself in my head. What I am feeling is not attraction. It's something totally different, something destructive if I mistook it for love.

I have this void, this black hole where my heart should be, and it's threatening to pull anyone who dares to come near it. Before crushing them ever so thoroughly.

I'm lonely. And it makes me do things I know will never end well.

"Can't you stay the night?" I whispered into his ear.

"No, sorry." As he got up, dressed and left my place. Left me alone in the dark.

Oh well, look on the bright side. That's one heart that escaped from my path of destruction.

I need to keep this black hole in check before someone gets hurt. Again.