These days, I don't seem to know who you are anymore. Perhaps it was for the best. We both have such different ideals, it was probably never going to work out anyway.
Seems clear to me now you were not meant for me, and probably I was not meant for you either. We're worlds apart, in more ways than one.
Honestly, there's not much happening in my life. Work's taken up most of my time, and whatever free time I have I spent inside my own home.
I've come to that point in life again where I wonder if it's time to be on a lookout. Problem is being in foreign lands, it makes it really hard to know what someone is after before meeting them.
Got to know a few guys who were nice to chat with, but when I meet them it's obvious they just can't wait to get under the bedsheets with me. Most of them just wanna do me because I'm a foreigner I guess, an 'exotic' experience if you would. And perhaps building up my body is bringing the wrong kind of attention.
I'm naive alright, but I am aware that I'm just another body they hump.
Figure I should start taking the initiative, and stop playing the waiting game. It's just that I used to have a lot of self-doubt and never thought anyone would fancy me. Not that I have more cards to play now, but I think I'm grown up enough to face and accept rejections. You'll never know unless you try, eh?
Although initiative alone isn't quite enough. It's difficult trying to filter away those messages asking for 'fun' (and some guys are just so tempting), but sifting through whatever genuine guys that are left made me realised I have got to make more than a few compromises in my 'ideal guy'.
Am I too choosy? This is someone I want to live the rest of my life with, after all. My homophobic tendencies certainly doesn't help.
Ideally we should have at least a few common interests, with the same level of enthusiasm. Being no fan of clubbing and boozing ruled out a majority of those around my age. Among the candidates, to look for someone who's into outdoors, sports, geeky tech, and video gaming, it's a virtually impossible task. On top of that, I needed someone who has the same expectations (or lack thereof) out of a relationship - I don't expect fidelity, romance or needing to know where he is all the time as long as at the end of the day/week/month, we get together and love each other.
It sounds more like a partnership than a conventional relationship, but the way I like it, we don't expect anything out of each other. Coz when there's no expectations, there's no disappointment.
Maybe I'm just delusional.
I found myself watching (heterosexual) wedding videos again, and I'm starting to doubt this life.
At least I'm giving it a try now. Chatting up guys, I'll get better as I do more of it, right?
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