goodbye

I had thought about it a long time. I thought about it while we were on holiday in Amsterdam for your birthday. I thought about it all the days, weeks we spent apart after that.

How you never seem to care.

The day we returned from Amsterdam, when you gave back my birthday present for you and tell me to return it, just hours after you bought something similar to replace it. I thought maybe your heart is not in this relationship after all. As soon as I got home I sent you a text, saying we need to have "the talk". I told you to think about what you actually want, and I will do likewise.

Those weeks after that, I came to the conclusion that love was never easy. Maybe I was too rash. I shouldn't give up just like that, it is not easy to find someone who loves you after all. So I took a fresh new look at our relationship and told myself to give it another go.

I informed you in advance that I will be coming up to spend the weekend with you, after a month of not seeing each other. You said cool.

I drove for 2 hours in the dark, after my long shift at work. I was late, so I said I'll pick you up straight from work. You said it's okay, you will go out for a drink with your colleagues first, somewhere nearby. I said fine, I'll wait for you in the carpark when I arrive then and you can let me know when you're ready to go.

So I waited. Holding my phone in my hands, waiting for your message so we can go to bed early as I was exhausted.

And I waited for a whole hour. One, fucking, hour.

In the car, in the cold. No reply from you. Not even a simple text telling me to go back by myself first.

I even had to piss by the roadside because there were no toilets around, that's how humiliating I got.

That was then I knew that this relationship is going nowhere. When you decided that having a drink with your workmates is more important than seeing me for the first time after more than a month, that it is worth making me wait a whole hour without so much courtesy as to send me a message to say how long you might take, that's it.

I can do better than this. So much better.

Goodbye.