Confusion.. of a boy

Sigh. Sometimes I don’t even know what do I want. I’ve come to the realization that I’m not ‘normal’ for years now. And yet the same thing happens. All the time. Sigh.

Was bored and felt lonely a few days back.. more like a week ago I think. Went on IRC to chat with a couple of PLUs. Never really know what am I always doing there.. coz everyone I chatted with either I cast aside and never talk to anymore, or befriend them for a while before saying I’m going back onto the right path.

Before I got into the chatroom.. I really felt like getting to know someone. But after I exchanged numbers with a couple of guys.. I feel.. guilty. Regret. Remorse that I’m not normal. And then I tried to break off contact with them. Because.. I find them.. annoying.

What do I really want?? Someone to love, someone to love me. But I’m not giving anyone a chance to. Any guys, to be precise. Those interested in me.. are just.. annoying. To me.

There’s been this girl I liked for quite some time now.. but I never really got to know her. First we were never fated to meet. She was in a different school before this, now she’s in a different state. Sigh. She’s the only girl who caught my heart. Maybe I should go after her, but I really can’t see a future in that. We won’t even be within hundreds of kilometers from each other for the next few years. And we’ve never even started.

And all this while, I find myself falling for more and more guys. The first one that I really fall over myself for.. was Rifdi. Everything he did, everything he said to me, just made me stop. Made my heart skipped. Is that what love is supposed to feel like? I’ve tried to keep in contact with him.. yet it was always ME trying to keep in contact. He changed his hp a few times, and I’ve really gave up contacting him anymore. Perhaps it’s for the best.

The other guys.. were merely superficial liking. As in P, whom I thought I liked when I first saw him, but as I get to know him more, he became a friend, no more a prospect. Maybe it’s his personality.. that I don’t want in a partner. Sigh.. I can’t even fathom what were I thinking sometimes.

And now.. I think I’m beginning to fall for another guy. Saw him during the ‘tian3’ lion ceremony last Sunday, he was in another lion/dragon dance troupe. Just caught my eye, but maybe I just think he’s cute.

And fate would have it, we trained together yesterday night.. bout 5 hours ago. As if Fate was trying to play with me, both of us were put next to each other in the dragon dance. There’s some ‘moves’ that require us to work together.. and.. I just can’t stand it. I’m falling for another guy all over again. God.. can’t you just stop this madness.. I can’t stand falling for another guy anymore.. it makes me feel.. guilty.. remorse..

Maybe I should find a girlfriend. I’ve been telling myself that for quite some time. Maybe with a girlfriend, I could set my mind on the right path. Maybe I would… I could be normal.. for once. But.. I can’t seem to fall for girls as easily as I fall for guys. Those girls I know.. or I heard bout.. just don’t catch my heart. Am I really capable of love? Why isn’t there anyone out there who I like, and who likes me? Love.. can someone really live without it..

I can’t. I’m dying inside.

If only..