.. am i .. in love?

I've only told a couple of PLUs about my crush on this girl.. even though i'm normally very open about my life. I'll tell a stranger everything if he asked. Well, that is if i'm sure he won't be blurting out everything i told him to everyone he sees. Thank god i don't know any PLU personally hehe.. if not my friends will surely get hold of any gossip bout me ^^".

Hmm anyway.. i just have to ask this question to all you PLUs out there. Have any of you really fall in love before? I mean, fall in love with a girl before? Is it even possible? For a guy who lust for other guys (sexually, not emotionally) to .. love a girl?

I mean.. i don't even know when i started having this crush for her. We first known each other over the internet around 3 years ago i think, maybe more (damn, it felt like i've known her forever). One night, i just got a message on ICQ from this girl. She thought i was someone else (somebody i know actually, we share the same surname.. well, almost the same), and it took a while before we realised it haha. Kind of funny how we knew each other.. thru a mistaken identity..

I don't know how it progresses from there, but somehow, somewhere along the line, we got each other's handphone numbers (i can't remember how i got hers.. or how she got mine. i think i asked for hers first ^^). The last 2 years we're barely in contact, though we did SMSed each other once every few months. Sometimes she'll just send those, you know, 'wu liao' SMSes and sometimes i'd send her too (at first she sent me the SMSes first.. but lately i'd been the one to send her those SMSes first - maybe i didn't want her to forget me?).

I didn't dare to bother her much the past 2 years.. firstly, because she'll be sitting for her STPM. Secondly, i am GAY. Now that she finished her STPM, got her results, and looking for a uni to get into, i'm not to sure if i should take things further..

It hurts me when she didn't get the results she'd have liked - B for Bio, B- for PA, C+ for Chem and C for Math. She asked me for advice on what to study next, most probably Bio-related. And then she sent me this SMS that really.. made me realise i must've been in love with her..

She said Pharmacy in IMU is too expensive, and the requirement is too high. (i never suggested Pharmacy.. nor IMU)

The moment i read that.. i thought bout all the 'could have's and the 'if only's.

If only she got better results for STPM. If only she met the minimum requirement for Pharmacy. If only she got into IMU. I could have gotten to know her more. I could have chased her. We could even have a future together.

And then, my whole world just turned a shade darker.

She couldn't get into IMU. I wouldn't have a chance to get close to her.

So near, yet so far. Funny how a crush can make you feel so happy, yet so sad at the same time. Knowing there's someone out there that'll complete you, yet unable to have that someone.

So she said she's gonna look at the courses at other government and private uni. And i offered to help her look around 'when i'm free'. Truth is, i'd have gone all out to help her every way i can, go thru every single university in Malaysia, if not for the stupid fact that my new semester already started, and i barely have much time even for myself. Damn, does Fate has to play me like this?

Why would i go out of my way to help somebody i barely know, somebody i have never even meet? Why did my heart turned gray the moment i realised she could have come into IMU if she had gotten better results? Why did i stayed awake and waited for each and every single SMS she sent me, when i was on the brink of falling asleep right that moment? Why did i get that funny feeling inside me when i saw her online today, after years of not seeing her contact turn green on my MSN? Why can't i stop smiling when i think of her?

Am i .. really in love?

I'm a GAY for god's sake.. i can't bring myself to have sex with a girl. Yet can love really be that powerful, to make even a gay forsake his sexual preference?

Can i.. love a girl?

Random thought: PLUs who put their description as T or B .. can they still be virgin? haha =P