Close encounter ..

For the first time in my life, i was >this< close to fall stumbling out of the closet.

Me and my friends went mamak for supper last night. And we talked and talked, mostly gossips and rumors on everyone we knew. After a while, a small group began discussing bout JL (who's sitting next to me) and i couldn't help but listen.

JL overheard them (he was listening to another group), and wanted to know what they were discussing about. And all of a sudden, a friend of mine shot the question, point blank, right at him.

"JL..er.. i have a question for you. Are you gay?"

My expression was O.o , literally.

It all started when a junior of ours noticed that JL never commented that a girl looks 'chun' (beautiful) before. And he seems to find the not-so-pretty girls pretty and the pretty girls not-so-pretty. So that junior asked my friends, who got curious as well, and the rumor treadmill began running at full speed.

And you know what response he gave?

"Yes i'm gay!"

Lol. Of course, it's impossible to confirm whether he's telling the truth or just being sarcastic. We didn't press on any further on determining his sexuality, and instead went on to joke and tease him about it. And then all of a sudden the spotlight came onto me when one of my friends jokingly said "Who knows, maybe (me)'s gay too!" and went on making some cold jokes bout 'Brokeback Jalil' (coz i was sitting beside JL). -.-"

Of course, at that moment i was caught with my pants down. I never expected myself to become the target of 'questionable' sexuality as i didn't even say anything when they questioned JL. When i went speechless for a few seconds, another friend said "Aren't you going to defend yourself?" amidst the laughter. O.o

Now at that time, i could almost feel myself unable to hold back the biggest secret in my life anymore. I so wanted to admit that I AM GAY, that i find guys so much hotter than girls. I wanted to tell everyone my secret, and stop living behind a mask in front of my friends anymore. Yet in the end, i just deflected the question, not admitting nor denying it.

I don't know what my friends think about gays. I don't know how they gonna feel if i ever came out to them. Maybe it's best that i never know. Some things are better left untold.

Yet, if i had been the victim of the rumors, more likely than not that i'll break down and expose my deepest secret, as i've always feared all my life. I'm not good at lying. I can't lie about something that i already made myself believe.

And i can't predict how much my life gonna change after that.

I just don't want to know.

ps. that junior is cute.. i wonder if he's gay =P

pps. @ça va pas la tête - aha, i knew you were one of us! =P. btw what should i call u.. ça va pas la tête is too long and unpronouncable for me -.-"