I cried. Not because someone hurt me, or something bad happened. I just cried. For no reason.
I've never cried ever since i was 10. Not once, except the times when i was reading my bro's private blog about our grandmother, and the few movies that managed to touch me. And apart from those, 10 years i have not cried at all.
Yet i broke down today. I lied on my bed, i hugged my bolster, i burrow my face in my pillow. And for a full minute, i just.. sobbed and sobbed.
I don't know why. Might be any cause at all, yet i can't figure out which. Perhaps.. it's all of them. All those little things ganging up and finally broke me.
Right now.. i just feel like.. running away. From what, i don't know. To where, i've no idea. I just felt like running. From everything, to nowhere.
I've absolutely no idea what i should be unhappy bout my life. I have the most perfect family i can ever wish for. Friends i could die for. A comfortable life, a complete education, a bright future. Even supportive people that i've never even met in my life. Why then do i feel.. this, emptiness inside of me.. like everything was.. purposeless?
I put on a smile, when i'm crying inside. I forced myself to stay, when i'm dying to run away. We are just the best actors there ever was, isn't it. To be able to put up a tough front and treat things as if they were nothing. To pretend nothing is wrong and everything's just perfect.
Sometimes i feel so tired.. trying to be someone i wasn't. To make myself believe i'm who i'm trying to be. I tried so hard i've forgotten who i really was. A weak boy who just wanted to be able to cry whenever he wants to.
I need a break. From studies, from friends, from life.. from everything. I wish i could just run away and have nobody care bout me. I just need to be with myself, to be with the me i've been hiding from the outside world.
If only i have the time. Every second passed is a second lost. I can't afford to take a break, i don't have the priviledge to, or risk getting left behind. Life has been like a movie on fast-forward for me, not once stopping for me. It just plays on and on and on.
And if only i have the courage. I'm just a coward. I'm always in denial, always saying everything's all right, that there's nothing wrong. I've been in denial so much i don't even know what is real anymore. I just don't want to be seen as someone who's weak, who can't handle such a small thing as.. life.
I'm tired of saying i can take it, coz i can't. Tired of pretending everything's all right, coz it ain't. Tired of pretending i'm a tough guy, coz i'm not.
Yes, i had cried, my tears had dried. It's time to pretend nothing ever happened, and be the person everyone believe i was, even myself. No one's gonna know a thing, no one's gonna suspect anything. I'm gonna get used to this.
ps - please, don't ever worry bout me. You guys are the best people i've got to know, and not knowing you guys earlier is my only regret. But please believe me when i say i'm all right. Just.. don't worry. I'm not in depression and neither am i thinking bout stupid stuff or anything. It's just that.. i'm tired. Thanks, i'm fine. Really.
6 comments:
Try meditation. It helps to sooth your mind and soul leaving you a calm and peaceful mind. It's the best way to let our brain to rest.
Well, don't be mistaken that meditation is not only meant with ppl who are in stress. It helps us to be more focus in our life, career, studies etc. I meditate almost everyday to help me recharge.
Life is NOT a small thing or challenge. In fact, it is the biggest challenge of all. To live a life we want, against all the expectations of the people around us, to be happy, to make others happy, etc.
Glad you're fine. Try to be friends, go for movies, play games; it helps.
*hugs*
*pat pat*
Well you got me to whine to, if you want. Since both of us are foreverly online. Haha
*shake shake*
yar dude, u have been in d room for too long deh. get somewhere with frens or wat ah. just get out sometimes will do u gud. but dun la go rob d bank. *doink hehehe...
thanks bryan, derek, joshy, cibe =). i'm all rite now.. i guess. juz felt a bit tired of this hectic life. gonna hv a very short break after my exams on 7th July.. guess i can slow down and destress after that..
til den i need to go into overdrive in my revision for next Fri's exams.. wish me luck! ^^"
Good luck. Haha, u sure you're not in depression? I had the same thoughts when I was depressed. There's nothing wrong with crying and being sad, but don't let it control you.
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