Hm. The hype over who i've been messaging and talking to on the phone lately reached its climax last Friday.
Me and my friends went to RedBox to sing. While i was outside piling food onto my tiny plate during the buffet dinner, someone called me. So when i get back to the room i slipped out amidst the wrestling for the mics and the poor, much-abused remote control to call that someone back.
And came back an hour later.
Of course, they wouldn't let me go just like that. They were so determined to find out who that person is. I never said much.
And then she (of the "don't bring a guy into the 'family'" fame - let's call her W) just took my handphone and went out of the room with it. Something inside me tells me to grab it back like my life depended on it, yet i just let her do what she wanted to. A part of me was so furious she shown little respect for my privacy by doing that. Another part of me felt helpless nothing could stop her from finding out.
After i got back my phone they were worried i was angry at them because i just kept quiet after that. I don't know how far she went in digging into my handphone. But she found out who that person was.
So should i be angry at her for pushing her luck too far? For intruding too far into my privacy? Well, i'm not angry at her, really. Maybe she might be even more suspicious now, but somewhere inside me i'm relieved. Relieved they finally found out bout me? Maybe. But seems like they aren't really sure bout it yet. Heh. Too bad. I ain't gonna breathe a word bout it anymore.
The next night, i had a long chat with C, one of my 'family' members. I felt really close to her compared to the rest, but maybe that's because i liked her. Liked as in i found her to be a really fun girl to be with.. we would tease each other, laugh at each other, scold each other at every chance we get haha ^^
So we chatted bout me and my sudden rise in 'popularity'. She's pretty 'pat' .. keep asking which girl i like la, who i've been messaging la, who i called during the singing session la, blablabla. Dunno wat got into me, i felt especially open and told her everything she wanted to know. Well, almost everything. But i did tell her i was messaging and calling a guy. And then somewhere in between she said this..
"dun la is a waste wei if u r gay.."
Aw. This is when my mind stopped in its track. I didn't know what to reply.. and thought for a second if i was wrong to be gay. But i've almost accepted the fact that i'm gay, and have no regrets being one. It's not like i have a choice .. i didn't DECIDE to be gay. Might be a pity that my life story won't have the "get married, have children, grow old watching children grow up" ending. Still, i'll make sure i have the best ending i can get out of this life.
So i was sooo close to telling her I AM GAY. If not for the others warning me bout being careful who i tell, i would have been out of my closet by now. Very far away from my closet in fact.
Now i wonder if i had given her too much info to suspect that i am gay. These days i'm getting more and more uninhibited in dropping hints that i'm not that straight after all. God. Should i turn back to refining my straight acting?
So tell me. How far is too far when people tries to intrude my privacy? How much is too much when i try to share my life with the others? They're fine lines to trod on.. and i hope nobody ever went too far. Or i ever said too much. =/
5 comments:
there's a or should be limit to your comfort zone. A threshold. When ppl who like to jaga tepi kain orang crossed your zone or privacy in your case, then it's called intrusion.
The problem with us I guess is the fact that our life (somehow) revolves sround IMU n the ppl in it. And by now you definately know that gossips spread faster than it takes to say gay out loud.
you're still in the earlier sem, so if you are willing to for go the next 1 1/2 years knowing that ppl know about you, then, its ok.
But I think if yr friends r really close to u, they will come ask u, really. N if they r the ones who think they r gonna go to heaven, of course, they will talk u out of being gay (which is good if it works). Bottom line is, you seem pretty unsure yourself sometimes, and, if you did come out, then change later, what will be the consequences then??
But if you r sure, and if you r strong enough to face it, dropping hints aint all that bad , really. If u hv the "Fuck those homophobes" mentality, and if you live for yourself and for what you're worth, then go ahead dropping hints. At the end of the day, you'll feel great.
Truth is for IMU, it's a little difficult cos the ppl are a little narrow minded. But just bear in mind that they have no right to judge you. As long as you're happy, that's good enough. So as i'd always say" F**k 'em all!I live my life my way~".
cybertron: hm yeah. but the threshold isn't a clear-cut line =/
v: aha. dat's my thought exactly. what if i find out i'm not that gay after all? (which is more unlikely than me getting a bf tomorrow.. but still it's a tiny possibility >.<)
goddess: wah. another one from imu? haha. v's batchmate i presume?
yeah, goddess is my goooood friend, she knows all, and is fine with it. No worries. ;-) And maybe I wont take you off my link, but I will take the other IMU ppl's link off my list. Then its even safer ;-)
Post a Comment