something tells me my 'new' blog will still not be ready 10 years later. so. *shrug*. continue posting here i guess. seems blogs are dying at a very high rate these days. i dun mean PLU blogs only of course. blogging to keep my time occupied now.
So. I met the 'GodFather' of PLU last Saturday. Lol. Well, that's what Joshy has been telling me anyway =P. Wasn't a long meeting, just had lunch where i sat quietly there while Derek 'the GodFather', his boyfriend Chris, and their friend, Pan (whom i've no idea who he was.. even after lunch >.<), yakked and yakked. Talk bout being quiet. People would have thought i was dumb or deaf (which is a little true.. seriously)
Anyway.. realised one thing though. I still can't help feeling strange. More like, feeling very self-conscious when i'm with a PLU in public (and at that time i was with 3. and 2 of them are a couple. sweat). Like, i just don't belong there. Not their fault la, i know they tried to make me feel comfortable. Very hard at that. Haha. Sorry.. i guess i just need getting used to. Though i might be treading closer onto the 'not-so-straight' path.. i still need to find my way there. I'm so very lost. Sob.
Thought that i'd be truly happy once i accepted who i was. Nothing i could change anyway, might as well give in, right? Denial might be a way of coping with a hopeless situation, but being gay ain't really a death sentence i was supposed to live with, right? If people can't take it, screw them, right?
And something just so shocking happened during the lunch that i almost choked on my rice. My friends actually CAME OVER to our table to check out who i was having lunch with. My God. I swear i was sooo worried the doors to my closet would have been blasted wide open, i went speechless for a few seconds. But i acted as if nothing happened, though i swear my heart was beating so hard it might have jumped out.
Actually my friends asked me out to have lunch earlier (after i agreed to tag along to the PLU lunch tho). I told them i was going to have lunch with friends. Then they called me while i was having lunch, asking where i was with the reason so they can pick me up later (was supposed to go 1U after lunch). Bah. Knew i couldn't trust this bunch of gossip mongers. Lol.
So after lunch with Derek, Chris and Pan, me ran over to where my friends were having lunch. And there started the interrogation. sweat. Turned out they thought i was having lunch with 'someone'. A certain 'someone' at that. Almost half an hour of drilling me before they finally gave up haha. Much as i'm bad at telling lies, they never believed me when i say i'm telling the truth - i'm not going after any girl =P.
One comment really disturbed me tho. We thought of ourselves as a big 'family' in uni here, 12 of us, always together. One of my friends actually commented that if the person i'm seeing is a guy, DON'T ever bring him into the family. Sob =(. I didn't know if she was kidding or really meant it.. maybe i never wanted to know. A 'princess' once told me, "what they don't know won't hurt them". Thing is, it's a sooner or later thing. But.. if my friends can't accept who i'm with.. i don't know what i'll do. Screw them? You gotta be kidding.
I'm not depressed bout it now.. though i could feel my heart get pierced each time i think of my friends leaving me because of who i am. I hope that never happen. I know it's a very very small possibility, considering most of them don't really seem to be homophobic.. but. Sigh.
Our big 'family' here. We've grown really close lately. I guess away from our families, we only have each other to hang out with. To laugh with. To cry to. We've been thru a lot. Together.
I have a really really strong feling that they gonna find out i'm not so straight after all pretty soon. Would they be able to take it? Would I be able to take it?
It's times like this i wish i never had to go thru all this.
4 comments:
probably I sound very high overly-over-the-optimistic fence but...
they said "don't bring him into the family what!" not exactly "get lost, u monster!!!"
methinks it's also odd and dramatic if someone drags whoever he's dating into his 'gang' too often! str8 or not.
dun worry too much lar. later get wrinkles lor
Gang/Family can be destructive if it is led by a very influencial person. The influencial one will influence others to cast you away.
Need to be careful there.
joshy: haha they didn't know it yet wat, why would they say that wor?
leggie: hm yeah thx. i doubt there's anyone so much against PLU in my 'family' but yeah, i'll be careful who i tell. in case i tell. ^^
Hmmm, at least now I know what you were going through that day.
I know it's not our fault, but somehow I still feel bad for making you uncomfortable.
And by the way, Pan is a really nice person who helps out in counselling for PT Foundation. Haven't met him since I came down here Sg.
I didn't ask him that day so that he counsel you though. XD
I understand what it's like to have a family in uni, where you're far away from your real family.
I am not trying to say they're bad or anything, but if they really consider you to be family, they'll treat you as one no matter what. Not ditch you when you're in trouble or when you really need them. Not ask you to leave your partner, when you think you have found him and are happy. Not say things like not to bring the guy, even when they haven't met him.
Hope I don't sound to harsh, but that's my idea of a family anyway.
Nothing i could change anyway, might as well give in, right? Denial might be a way of coping with a hopeless situation, but being gay ain't really a death sentence i was supposed to live with, right? If people can't take it, screw them, right?
Yeah, you're right on all those. Just be strong there, my friend.
If u really need someone to talk to and someone to listen, you may call Chris or myself. Or u just miss call me and I'll call back. ;P
In the meantime, just enjoy life and live one day at a time.
*hugs*
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