my gay life so far

Last post of this blog. Please bear with me because it's damn bloody long. Not that i'm forcing anyone to read, juz warning ya =P

Nah. Nothing to blog about lately. Figure i'll juz blog bout what has been in my mind right now then.

Before this year, i've never tried to think bout this. All the years, i just take things as they were, i'm attracted to guys physically and sexually, that's it. I've never taken it a step further.. just tried to conceal everything, convincing myself there's nothing wrong with me. In denial, something i've gotten very good at.

Before this year, i've known not a single PLU. I did go on IRC and chat, but that's bout it. As soon as i quit IRC, i'm back to where i started. Never really catch up with anyone.. never gotten close to anyone.. guess i was there juz to find someone to talk to. Strange thing IRC is. All the anonymity.. it's so hard to find the same guy to talk to, when everyone's nick is changing faster than the weather. I've never really used the same nick as well.. maybe i juz didn't want anyone to know me. Keeping low profile, as most PLUs do hehe. Sometimes all we need is someone to listen to us, to know what we think and feel, yet not know who we really are. Too bad IRC's overflowing with 'horny' guys.. and listening to you is the last thing on their mind.

So i turned to those profile sites. Sgboy to be exact, i've had a profile there since 3 years ago. Never put a picture there at first, mainly coz i never had one (till i got my own digital camera. woots! - yes, i'm a camwhore =P). As everyone knows, pictureless profiles are less read than the encyclopedia. That didn't really help much in getting to know ppl either, so i seldom visited those sites. Then i got to know axcest from someone on IRC, where there's more ppl from the same country as me. At least.. these sites have less 'horny' guys. Less is the key word. Lol.

Finally early this year i started this blog. It wasn't meant to get to know anyone.. or to let anyone read bout my thoughts. I just needed somewhere to record down my life, the other side of it, so in years to come, i can look back and laugh at myself. How silly i was. How stupid i was. How.. my life was.

Life changed so much after that. First i stumbled upon kekex's blog, who happened to be from the same college as me. Even same Bio teacher haha (which is really, a big thing. since she's kerayzeee =P). From then on, the list of links on this site juz grows and grows. I don't know how the hell they all found my blog, this was meant to be a private blog! The things i typed here no one's gonna get out of my mouth. But through this blog really, i've got to know some really great ppl. Questionable sexuality maybe (=P) but great ppl they really are. And which is why i felt ever so grateful i started this blog in the first place, even though for a totally different reason.

The one thing i found most of the PLUs i've known so far to share in common is.. to have accepted themselves. That is really a big step, one i'm not sure i'm ready to take, or ever will be ready. Everyone tells me to take my time. Everyone tells me i'll come to accept myself when i'm ready. Can anyone tell me what will i do if i did stay this way my whole life? Being in denial for so long.. wonder why am i still resisting to acknowledge myself as a gay so much?

Somewhere deep down in me, i still hope for a 'normal' life. Dream for one. Wish for one. Not that there's anything bad bout being a PLU, it's just that.. that thing deep inside me keeps telling me something isn't right if i end up with a guy. Even though i've seriously considered a few guys to be my 'potential' bf, i always stop myself when i'm getting too close. Didn't want to get into something i'll regret i guess. Not for myself.. i don't mind hurting myself as much as hurting the other.

And the other side of me considered a few girls to be my 'potential' gf instead. I don't know if the girl i had a crush on for so long.. is because i wanted a 'normal' life so badly. She looks pretty in pictures all right, but i know next to nothing bout her. If i did indeed liked her because that thing in me wanted me to be 'normal', i rather just forget it. Yeah, i'm pretty much as confused as ever right now.

Well, not that i have experienced anything so bad as a gay that i wanted to just turn back and look for the straight path. In fact, for being a gay, i had gotten to know so many nice interesting ppl. Some makes me laugh all the time.. some keeps me chatting till the next morning.. some listened to me when i need someone to.. some gave me pieces of advice i should probably remember my whole life.. some, some just opened my eyes to the world out there. How different people are. If i hadn't know them, i'd have thought the world is just what i can see around me. There's so many different people out there, different lives, different stories to be told.

Yet somehow.. i felt as if i couldn't fit into the PLU crowd. Almost all the PLUs i know are nice people all right, but i just don't seem to belong there. It's like, feeling foreign among your neighbors, u know? Then again, i've never had any 'circle of PLU friends' yet, maybe i just need to mix around first. Intimidating.. i'm not someone who can just jump in and blend in =/.

Lastly.. hm. Yeah, the same old boring topic of love hehe. Haven't been lucky for the past 20 years, never loved before, never been loved before. Though there are a few guys i'm thinking of right now, i just had to be sure before i think too much =P. But everytime someone asked me what kind of guy am i looking for.. i just got stumped. I had always thought if there was chemistry, if that guy is nice, that's all it ever takes. It doesn't take much for me to like someone, but damn am i choosy. Not that i have the right to be that choosy, yet.. ^^".

Seriously i have never been the initiative one. Haha.. not that i like being chased la -.-" .. it's just, i dunno.. never dared to take the first step. Maybe i just haven't found the right one.. or maybe i don't know how the other person felt. Don't wanna spoil a friendship for a lost hope, right? =P Still, i'm dreaming.. going to meet a few guys soon, maybe i'll find the right one among them. I'm hoping. I really wanna see what it's like to have a boyfriend for once.. really really really really wanna see..

I guess this will be the last post of this blog.. i'd written down all that i have to say here. For one thing though .. thanks to everyone i know, especially those that wasted their time chatting with me online =P. You guys really make me feel much better. At least now i know there's ppl out there who'll listen and understand. A confused boy i might be, but i'm proud to be gay. Yes, i'm starting to accept myself i guess. Some time ago, i've started to not feel afraid of others knowing my sexuality anymore. Doesn't matter if they won't accept me for who i am, as long as i accept myself. Being gay has never been a choice for me, what's there for me to regret? =) Guess this is the first step i'm taking on the not-so-straight path.. wish me luck..

You must be freaking bored if you managed to read till here ^^". This is the end then, thanks for reading, whoever bothered to. I'm not gonna update this blog anymore.

ps - that's because i'm changing blog la *doink. lol =P. I'll update here when the new blog's ready.. till then there won't be any new posts here i guess.