These days.. i feel like i'm not doing as much for him as i wanted to.
I don't know whether it's all the stress of studying getting to me.. or my heart is still harping over that. I hope it's the former though. I've kind of learned how to not see the bad things and let them overcome me anymore. It is the first time my heart cracked, but i guess.. what doesn't break you makes you stronger? I gotta learn to be stronger.
In a month, it will be my in-course assessment. In 2 months, it will be my end-of-semester exams. Seriously, i'm lagging, like, 2 years behind everyone. I need to buck up on my studies.
A few hours ago i realised again how i'm not even trying to study as much as i should. While all my friends studied so much everyday, made notes, bought dozens of books.. i was sleeping at home. Flipped through the lecture notes a bit when i felt like it. Looked blank each time during clinical practice. Fuck myself. I need to buck up being a student.
I've been pretty emotional lately, pretty much due to the strains put on my heart, both by the relationship and the stress being a med student. So much that sometimes, i wish i hadn't have to look after one of it. I can only take so much and do so much with my time.
Which is why.. i guess.. i've been 'neglecting' him. I don't write him love notes as much as i used to. I don't send him love messages every other day now. He made a super lovely card for our third month anniversary while i.. well. I did NOTHING. I suck i know. I seriously need to buck up being a boyfriend too.
And then my friends. Since most of my time has been spent with him, i've been away from my friends more and more. It's not that i had to.. i CHOSE to. I know a relationship needs time and effort to make it work.. time is the least i could give it when my mind's too strained to put more effort into other stuff with all the endless studying.
On our third month anniversary.. it coincides with a close friend of mine's birthday. My friend.. we've been together ever since orientation, and he's pretty much a very close friend of mine now. To not go to his birthday celebrations will be like forsaking our friendship. He's been really wanting us all to go out with him since his family isn't around and only have us to celebrate with him. To not go to his birthday celebrations and go out with someone else INSTEAD will be like betraying him.
It breaks my heart to abandon either one. But i chose to stay with him. It's our third month already and i don't want everything to go downhill. Guess i suck as a friend as well. I know you are not reading this, but sorry for not going with you for your birthday celebrations. I really wanted to go.. but i know you'll understand.
These days.. i can hardly meet the expectations of everyone anymore. Expectations of a son. Expectations of a student. Expectations of a friend. Expectations of a boyfriend.
How i wish time would slow down for me to buck up and catch up on the expectations.
9 comments:
LongFellow :
U just "push youtself too hard". Juggling LIFe & LOVe & STUDIEs is DAMN tough.
U know yr responsibilities to all parties concerned. Take Charge and Handle it WISELY. < u can do it witout sacrificing ONE for da OTHER >
and remember, all parties know yr primary GOAL i.e. graduate as a medicial doctor.
warmest regards,
There's no point harping on the same issue day all the time.
Medicine is rather a career that requires endurance and persistence; intelligence only facilitates your learning process. Whatever amount of grey matter between your two auricles poses no significance if you can't work 'em hard.
Mustn't attempt to juggle too much if you're not accustomed to it. I forsaked relationships to focus more into my studies, although I have wasted enough time procrastinating in front of my laptop.
Anyway, if you want to be a doctor, at least be a safe one. I have been awfully disappointed by some of my graduated seniors, and eventually I have decided not to be like one.
I am not advocating you towards anything. Just study smart and enjoy hard.
u know ur priority now n it's still not too late. ur bf wud understd dat u need more time to study. i too am worry. all we can do is advise. now its entirely up to u.
if u seriously wana pass as a doc, be like 1. act like 1. partner with some1 n u can absorb faster. learning from others r better than studying by urself. books r for ur understanding. study them. driving is another matter. love them.
gud luck to u. :)
Don't overpressure urself...rethink ur priorities and its never too late to set things straight...
You - should go to the taylors library and start studying! Im there almost everyday! you'll study so much more in the library. trust me! i'm always there at the third floor, can help you out if u need any help with ya science subjects!
Anyway, i think your bf kindda deserves this anyway. well, then again, its only me. But however, he can't demand trust, he has to earn it. You dont have to learn how to trust him.. he should be earning it ;)
A relationship built on lies and betrayal in the beginning will only hurt us in the end.. you should know what you want :)
buck up!!!
-cb
-cb!
longfellow: yeah I shud keep my primary goal in mind too.. >.<
rcks: forsaking relationships sounds too drastic =/. but yeah i gonna be a 'safe' doctor at least.. no point studying 5 years and not make any difference, right? hehe
anonymous: thx for the advice =). dun worry bout me, i'm ok. it's just that i'm soo stressed out by all this stuff in my head i just gotta vomit them out somewhere - my blog =P
hcpen: and unfortunately, my priorities are always wrong haha
cb: lol. i've graduated from taylors 1.5 years ago la. now am in uni studying medicine. thx for ur concern tho hehe
quote n unkuote 'anonymous', "ur bf kinda deserves this"
yeah he sucks!
joshua: blek! my husband is THE BEST ok? spank u ar >=( .. kutuk my husband some more huh
uhmnn guess wat, my bf n I never think of celebrating monthly anniversary also.. Actually I dun like to celebrate monthly cause its like counting the days to break up only since Gay relationship normallly is too short. So I only wan to celebrate yearly just in hope it would lengthen the relationship :)
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