back in more ways than one

I'm back in KL since Wednesday. My parents and younger brother started the 3-hours journey home after we had dinner. Didn't tell the boyfriend i would be staying with him for the rest of my holidays (what's left of it anyway). Hehe figure it'll be nice to surprise him.

The boyfriend had been a little emotional lately. Guess time apart had made his insecurities grow. Heard he hadn't been sleeping well the past few days too. Made me worry bout him, but i really can't say i don't have my own reservations. Spending more than a month away from each other, with only his voice as comfort, do take more than trust and commitment. It made one think more. Wonder how things would be next year, when i wouldn't even see him for months on end. But better not to worry bout stuff that are not certain yet, what more stuff that are not in our control, right? Short-sighted, eh?

After my family dropped me at my apartment, i called the boyfriend and he said he's gonna take a nap for a while. He's been having the flu and cough for more than a week now, and the medicine made him drowsy. Guess he could use a few hours of sleep before i surprise him. Then i crept onto his bed while he's sleeping. Realising i was back with him, he smiled ever so widely. Just warmed my heart to see him happy hehe.

Still, in the corner of my heart there's something tugging at me. A weight upon my heart that will not go away. A conscience that hadn't leave me alone since. The other day, i couldn't even look at my cousin (who knew bout me) in the eye. She sat next to me and smiled at me, but that could have easily been a cold stare that bore into my very soul, damning me for an eternity for the shame i brought upon the family. Haha of course, it was all in my head. She just smiled at me because i hadn't greeted her since she came into the house. But you know, that uncomfortable feeling, awkward even. Like she stumbled upon my darkest secret and both of us knew it yet none want to acknowledge it. Which is exactly what happened, sadly.

Yesterday it was my mom on the other side of the phone. Used to be ALWAYS dad i hear during the every-other-day home calls. That changed after he found out bout me of course. Now i get the same uncomfortable, awkward feeling whenever i'm alone with him. Always bracing myself for another impact that never came. Perhaps he's still in denial and hoping- no, praying it's just a phase of my life. Then again, we never had the sort of 'healthy' father-son relationship. I never told him much bout me or my life. I never told anyone.

Sometimes, i wonder if all this is just a big mistake. A wrong turn somewhere in my life. Wonder if there's a way back to the straight path (pardon the pun), and even if there is, would i go back? Or would i stay on this road less taken? Is there a choice?

Seems like an old friend of mine is in love with my first crush, and she seems to be lovey-dovey lately too. I sincerely hope they two got together happily, but why do i feel a hint of resentment deep down? A fleeting regret of "What if i had asked her out that time?".

To all the above, i guess, i will never know the answers..

but to treasure all i have now.