Big brother touchdowned in KLIA exactly a week ago. Went back home before coming up to KL to do his hospital attachment.
Coming up to KL meant one thing. He's coming to stay over in my apartment. Which was his ex-apartment anyway.
And him staying over meant one thing. Anything and everything will be reported back to HQ (in other words, home).
Of course, having my privacy intruded and my every movement scrutinised, i did feel a little unwilling for him to be around.
Especially after that incident. Ever since then, i had never once looked at him straight in the eyes. Ashamed? Angry? I don't know.
I just felt like, he had never wanted me around. No, it wasn't a recent feeling that i had. I felt it way back to when i went to the same primary school as him.
That time in school, i would try to follow him around. Being a lost duckling in a new place, i wouldn't know what else to do. And i guess one knows when one was not wanted. I always felt that he detested it when i was nearby him when he's hanging out with his friends.
Fast forward to present, it had become a really awkward situation when we were both in the same room. Guess we didn't know what to say to each other. 21 years of living as siblings, and not knowing what to say to each other. Doesn't that sound funny.
Guess i wasn't the only one. My younger brother had the feeling of big bro's distance too. This is an excerpt from a conversation we had.
me: ask koko he might know a few guitar songs
lil bro: u ask
me: -.-" u ask la
lil bro: dun wan. koko is sleeping i think
me: -.- next time he's not away, just msg him la
lil bro: not away? u wish
me: got. around 10pm
lil bro: koko is always in outer space
me: aiya u msg him then he see he'll reply lor
lil bro: u msg him
me: u msg la. not that i'm learning guitar now -.-"
lil bro: koko always ask me to study
Ironically, that bolded phrase made me laugh. How apt. It does always seem like big brother is in outer space, and communication with him is practically pointless. While me and my younger bro will talk bout anything, most of the time big brother only tell us the same thing: 'Go study.'.
Maybe that's partly why i don't have anything to talk to him. Why we never seem to talk like how us other 2 brothers did. He always assume the role of 'Big Brother' instead of a friend.
And it became so awkward that for the time he was here, i'd ran to my BF's place irregardless of what he's going to report to Dad. Maybe i was being a coward and didn't want to face him. One guilt ride is more than enough.
Still.. nothing could break the blood that binds. In the end, after my BF left for his hometown, i decided to go back to my apartment to 'spend time' with my brother. I sincerely don't want things between us to be like this, awkward and distant. I had hoped i could do something to draw us closer together, maybe even just finding a topic we could talk about.
And the moment i entered the room, his stuff was all packed up.
"I'm going to stay over our cousin's place for the rest of my attachment."
And he left.
Note: I might have casted him in a bad light in this post, but he had been a very good brother to us younger ones as well. After all, who would look out for us 3 brothers in the future if not each other.
But still.. i wish that he would act more like a friend towards us sometimes.
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