It's inevitable, i know. Someone's gonna cry, i know. I will hurt my loved ones, i know.
But do you even think i have a choice?
Truth be told, i gave a lot of reasons for my family to suspect i'm gay. I did a lot of 'bad' things. The sins being a gay. Dad has been even more suspicious ever since this happened.
2 weeks ago, he asked me bout it in the car, just two of us. I confessed, because i'm tired of hiding and lying. He cried. I cried. He drove around aimlessly for hours before fetching me to our relatives' place where our family are.
"I have done so much for you, putting you thru school, making your life comfortable, and you have to end up this way.."
"Our society has no place for you to be like this, do you realise that?"
"Can you change? Slowly?"
"I have nothing more to say. I don't even know what to do now."
Yesterday, it was my brother's turn. I guess he looked thru my com as well. He asked me and i confessed. And the guilt ride starts all over again. He cried.
"If i was your friend then it's ok.. but i feel like a failure as your big brother, you know?"
"I know i did bad things when i'm small, but i know i was wrong. I repented."
"Change while you still can.. there's no future in medicine as a gay."
"I don't know what else to say.."
I feel so alone. Nobody understands me. Nobody ever stop and listen to what i have to say. This road less taken.. it feels like there's nobody with me. All i could see is darkness around me. I reached out my hands.. yet i grasped at nothingness. I cried out loud.. yet silence answered me.
Why do i have to hurt the ones i love? Why do i have to turn out this way? Wouldn't everyone be happier if i wasn't gay? I am so tired of this. The emotional ride being gay. The guilt ride. My dad. My brother. My boyfriend. I've done nothing but hurt them. And i know there's much more to come. My mom.
Right now, all 3 of us are trying to act as if nothing happened. Though Dad is still very worried i'm mixing with the 'wrong' company. And Bro is still blaming himself. Me.. i dunno. If one could change, why would there still be gays in this world? I .. i'm just gonna concentrate on studies. There's nothing i could do.
I'm so tired emotionally. The past few months stretched me in ways i never knew i could be stretched. I've cried more in these few months than i have in my entire life before this. I'm tired of walking this path. I want to stop and sit down. God please.. just let me rest. Please make the rollercoaster ride stop. I can't take much more of this.
I'm so so tired.
There are times when the easy way out look so tempting. To unbuckle the safety strap and be free from this ride. Away from all this, into the unknown.
But i know better than that. It's not even a way out.
9 comments:
you are never alone.
you know that.
*oink
coming out is nvr easy, especially to family. i nearly came out to my dad once but he wasnt taking it so well...so i covered it up :S be glad both ur dad and bro took it relatively well and not get angry or anything like that. sounds like they're trying to understand and thats always a positive first step. dont beat yourself up over whats not in ur control now, they know n its up to them to do what they like with that knowledge.
things wont always stay bad :)
*Hugs*
long fellow :
1st hurdle crossed - u told them except for yr MUM < wonder whether yr Dad told yr MUM yet ? >
there's no guilt trip for anyone here. ITS STRICTLY A CLASH OF OPINION HEAD-ON ! ! !
they are right in their own way & so R u. and in da future, U will face these situations over & over again.
p.s. wat they say is true tat there's no place in medicine { or any other career } for gay BCOZ of discrimination by fellow human.
NOW u hav to BE READY for each new day as many challenges be forthcoming.
Be Strong and Stay The Course.
< i am here if u need a serious talk. call me, k ? >
Merry XMAS & Hppy New Year & Happy Holidays !
My friend,
Be strong... You are in medicine. You know this is not your fault, nor anyone else's fault. It is not an illness...
Don't we all just wish it away and things will be easier and happier ?
It can't happen that way. The sooner you can be sure and confident of yourself, the better you are able to handle your family and friends around you.
Merry Christmas :)
may santa bring u loads of goodies!
merry christmas.. hope everything will be alright in the year ahead.. this is just one of the stage of our life being gay.. So be strong and walk through it.. The rainbow always wait for u to pass through the rain :)
my comin out was fairly good. i was lucky to have siblings and parents who are very very understanding. i think its time u talk to your dad. that in a world full of homophobia and unsupportive people, it is important that you need their support because if family isnt gonna support me, what bout the rest of the world? Tell them how important it is for you to be proud of yourself. just because im gay doesnt mean im any less capable than all of you. the society has changed. open up their eyes.
You will never be alone. ;)
Yikes, your story makes me all the more anxious of coming out to my family. I can foresee my parents and older brother doing exactly the same as yours.
Nonetheless, don't ever think you're alone, k? You have friends, 'wrong' in your parent's eyes maybe but they'll understand what you're going through and can comfort you.
Lastly, I am sort of going through the 'acting as if nothing happened' with my family. My older brother discovered 80GB of porn in my computer! (and reported to the 'authorities') Never, I repeat, NEVER leave your com unattended (without a password)!
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