3 hours later, I arrived back in my room from the surprise birthday. There, we had long talks about random, unimportant stuffs over slices of birthday cake. We joked, we laughed, we teased each other. We had a great time, just spending it in each other's company. After all, such times together are getting rarer and rarer as we each tumble along with our own separate lives.
It was a sincere effort by everyone to be at the birthday, to meet up and banter pointlessly.
But as it ended, we split up, and I ended up in my room again, I wondered.
Why do I feel this emptiness in my life? Like something is just missing? As if I've always been searching for that something that would plug the big, gaping hole in my life, yet I never knew what it was?
I find it hard to digest, because everything I could ever wish for in my life, I already have them.
Family, health, love, education, money (to a certain extent), friends.
Friends.
Yes, I may not be the most popular guy around, nor that I want to be, but I guess, I do have friends. Those that share a common past, where we reminisce about the nostalgic memories over and over till they grew stale. Those that share a common present, where we see each other everyday and talk till there's nothing to talk about anymore.
But everything felt so superficial, so .. shallow. Like these friends never even knew me deep down inside. Like we are all just actors wearing our masks in the big play called 'Life', never knowing what the others look like. Never have I felt much more comfortable around them, than around strangers.
I felt like I needed something else. Someone else.
Am I wrong to want more than what I get in my friends at the moment?
I want friends who I want to be around with, who want to be around me. Not just because we have something in common, like being in the same place at the same time, or because we have common interests. Not because we don't find each other repulsive. Not because we just needed someone as our friend.
Friendships mean more than just that, don't they? They have to.
I want someone who knows me, understands me. Where the best conversations we had are those where no words were spoken between us. Whose eyes I can bring myself to look into, and see not just me, but us.
I want someone who I'll go out of the way even just to see each other for a minute. To have a chat, over a cup of coffee. Not someone who I half-heartedly agree to meet up, only to find some excuse afterwards to avoid.
Like what I do all the time.
I guess I don't have friends really, no I don't.
1 comment:
u have me.
and i am proud to have u as friend.
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