premonition

It's been 2 months.

I've actually been going out with him for 2 months. He's even talked about me with his work colleagues and friends, like I've been a part of his life for a long time.

Every other week I drive 60 miles south to spend the weekend with him. Pick him up from work, back to his place, have a couple of beers and get to bed. Next day we'd go watch a movie, walk around town, eat out in restaurants, the stuff couples do. He always seem so happy and excited when I go over.

But somehow I don't feel it.

I wish I could share his passion about our relationship. I really do. Instead, I find myself being distrustful. Feeling .. jaded.

-- He laid in bed next to me, us having had a bit to drink that night.

"You know, it feels like you're being very guarded. It's like there's a huge wall around you. You must be sick of me telling you about the trains and buses and planes all the time, but I don't know what you like. I mean, you don't open up to me much," he thought out loud as he turned to look at me.

"Sorry it's just me. I don't talk much." I guess he could feel my doubts too.

"It's okay, I know it's the way you are. Take your time."

He gave me a soft kiss in the lips and laid his head back onto the pillow. We looked at the ceiling above us in the dark, illuminated by light coming in from the window.

"I just, you know, I don't know what I will do if you break my heart."

It took me a second to reply. "I won't. I promise."

Deep down inside, we both know how this is going to end.

--

I've heard how his ex just packed up one day and left without a word.

Sometimes when I look into his eyes, I could see the fear of abandonment.

Sometimes, I could still feel the sadness behind his smiles.

I've told myself I won't do it again. Not again.