fleeting

He lies next to me in bed, not saying a word. I had my head next to his, eyes closed, listening to his breathing.

The feeling of being with someone, next to each other, in blissful silence. Sharing a moment in time together. Even just for a while. How I miss this.

Before long, he got up from bed and said he has to go. I gave him a hug from behind as he dressed himself up. I didn't want to be left alone again, but I knew this is just a temporary measure. For both of us.

The same thing has repeated ad nauseum in my life the past 5 years. Different guy, different bed, same fleeting moments. I long for company. Physically and emotionally.

--

"You're a cool guy." He'd said that to me at various times. "What's your long term plans?"

Ah. You can sniff out his intention from miles away. Someone actually almost going to chase after me. Cute.

"Yeah, I suppose moving around so much isn't good for relationships." He conceded, surprisingly he knows a real lot about my job.

It's partly true. Distance does make relationships extremely hard, I'll know. But if the right guy comes along I'll sure as hell try my best to work it out. I'd even surprised myself that I would spend 4 hours every week on the road for less than 2 days with someone. Shame that other person doesn't appreciate it, but I should stop being such a bitter cow.

This guy though, nice as he is, I'm not attracted to him. Perhaps I have too often had this 'ideal guy' image in my mind stopped me from liking someone too. I'm still young, surely there's someone better out there. I kept telling myself. Except, my 'eligibility' as a gay guy is dropping exponentially with age. Youth is a much sought after commodity in the gay world, that I tell you.

There have been the odd guys that seem just nice enough to be in a relationship with, but the stars never aligned for anything to happen. And sometimes, you don't notice what's around you until they're gone.

Not all's doom and gloom of course. I've got a pseudo-date coming up this Saturday. And also I've been chatting with another one though he lives 200 miles away.

Shame both of them are younger than me. Judging by my 'ideal guy' criteria, they probably won't make the cut. But it's nice to get to know people, at the very least you'll find out what you're not looking for haha.

--

I tried to make a list of all the guys I've ever had sex with the other day.

It's worrying how the numbers add up without me realising it. Give or take a few that I've inevitably forgotten, it's currently close to 50. And a significant number of them I don't even know the names of.

I would hate myself if I had any sense of self-pity, the sad truth is I'm lapping up all the attention while I could.

Inferiority complex, oh how silly of me to think I could ever beat you.