Just saw a gay couple on the train on the way back from lion dance training in Cheras. A damn cute and fit-looking guy, with a rather thin ok-looking sissy guy. Didn't know they were PLU until they start acting like.. erm, like PLUs. All of a sudden my heart darkened, and i hated them for acting like a loving gay couple in public.
I know why. It's that sin. Envy. I was envious of that average guy having a cute guy as his boyfriend. Why can't someone like that love me? I'd give the world to have someone who's as cute as that. And here's another sin. Lust. I was lusting for that fit cute guy.
Funny how i seem to want to believe that i don't go for looks. That's a lie. Big lie. I wanted a cute guy as a boyfriend. I needed one. When i say i don't care if you are cute or not, i don't mean it deep down inside. I'm lying. I'm lying to myself.
Some PLUs wonder how come i don't have a boyfriend yet.. when i'm so 'leng cai'. Seriously, i don't think i'm that leng cai.. somewhat average-looking only. Anyway, i always tell them i haven't found anyone i like yet, which is true. True as in all those who show interest in me doesn't look cute enough or fit enough. I always wanted a dream guy as my boyfriend. Maybe i'll be single all my life wishing for the impossible.
There was once someone told me i was expecting too much. That i didn't give a chance to those below my expectations. Yeah i admit that. Even loathe myself for that.
And i realise now.. a dream will be just a dream. That cute guy i've been wishing for might not come into my life at all. I might grow old alone having that wish unfulfilled. I had been too naive. Now i'd be happy to even have a date on Valentine's day which is just next week. Sigh ..
Who would still want to be my Valentine?
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