Zhu Wo Sheng Ri Kuai Le ..

Now listening: Landy Wen - Zhu Wo Sheng Ri Kuai Le

2 days ago was my birthday. I'm turning 20 already. No more a teenager. Sigh.. time passes so fast.. i'm getting old too fast.

Came back to Bukit Jalil after i went back Senai for the long weekend. The usual, took the 4 hours bus ride from Skudai.

Only thing is that the bus came 35 minutes late, around 1.50pm. I felt really impatient then.. was literally boiling inside me. Funny, i always thought i was a very patient guy.

I was supposed to meet my gogor at Pudu station once i reach. I agreed to meet him the night before over MSN.. coz he said he'll feel bad if he doesn't celebrate my birthday with me. I wanted to meet him too.. juz to see wat kind of person my gogor is.

And right after i agreed to meet my gogor, Chuan called me to confirm our dinner date. I DIDN'T forget bout our date.. i juz thought that i could meet my gogor before going for dinner with him.

And then i realise what a slut i'm trying to be. I actually agreed to meet two guys back to back. What the hell was i thinking?

As the bus came late, i couldn't make time for two guys, so i cancelled the meeting with my gogor. First, me and Chuan agreed to go for dinner before my gogor asked to meet me. Second, i wanted to know if i had really been in love with Chuan.

We met, we went for dinner at Pizza Hut, we tried to talk for bout 2 hours, we went back to our home separately.

He bought these for me on my birthday.

I like the cake.. it was a white chocolate cake. And besides the cake is the box of undies he got me. He said undies are a practical present.. i'll surely need them. I know i really liked the presents he got me.. i really do.

Yet somewhere along our dinner i felt a strange feeling. And i know just what it is. It's a sense of insecurity.

I was worried he didn't like me after all, or that i had never liked him in the first place. I couldn't look at him straight in the eye. I was having too much doubts. I was afraid i might find out what he really feels about me.

I was afraid i might find out what i really feel about him.

Was i confusing lust with love? Might it be the age gap between us that gave birth to my doubts? Or the fact that my expectations for a bf is far too high? Was i just feeling inferior bout myself, yet again after so many years struggling to get over my inferiority complex?

I really thought i love him in the last post. But when i met him, my doubts began to surface.

I don't know.. was the reason why i don't want to get into a relationship with him because i don't like him enough? Or that i was afraid he doesn't like me enough?

Before we went our separate ways, i really wanted to give him a hug. I wanted to get rid of this feeling of insecurity inside me. Yet we're in a public place the whole time we see each other. And then it dawned upon me..

I hate it. I hate the fact that gay couples can't show affection for each other in public. Gays can't even hold hands without being stared at. And from hating the society, i ended up hating myself. Hate myself for wanting to get a bf. Hate myself for being a gay.

That moment when i was standing next to him while waiting for the train.. i could almost die. I wanted to hug him so much, yet all i can do is stand next to him. It hurts.. it hurts so much i almost cried..

I went back home, one of my closest friend brought beers to my place to celebrate my birthday with me. Not long after that i went down to my friends' place for my 'surprise' birthday celebrations.. with 21 of my batchmates.

Yet i'm feeling lonelier than ever.

My 20th birthday.

Zhu wo sheng ri kuai le ..

PS - Thanks Chuan.. for celebrating my birthday with me. Really appreciate it. I really hate to tell you this.. but i don't know if i really deserve to be with you. I'll be taking time off this matter at least until after my exams.. until then can we just treat each other as friends? Nothing more..

Please don't talk to me about this. I have an exams in 2 weeks time and i really need to concentrate on my studies only for the next 2 weeks. I'm sorry.