Have you ever find out.. that what you thought was yours was NOT yours?
I know it's all in the past. I know i should have just let it go since i already have what i want NOW. And since he already moved on from his past, i should leave it alone.
Yet it still hurts. ALL THE TIME. Because it is OUR past.
I'm losing it. Trust really is too fragile a thing.
Denial. Is that the only way to face an once-broken trust? Should i just leave it alone and pretend that past never existed?
I know i'm naive. I didn't know i would be hurt THAT fast.
I read everything he wrote in the past. All the SMSes i kept. Haha. Funny how perasan i was. Did i misread his meaning somewhere between the lines?
Was it his fault? Was it mine?
I'm seriously losing it. Before i found out bout it, it was like being in a dream.. a perfect dream where everything just turned out right. Where everything felt so right.
And then like a bubble getting too big for itself, it burst. Everything fell. Reality kicked me straight in the face. And i woke up.
It was all just a dream.
It's not the first time i'm getting emo over this. And seems like it'll never end.
He's ONLY with me now. Or so he claims. I believe him.
But i still can't trust him.
It's like .. getting this permanent paranoia that just won't go away. Fear that he'll leave some day when he finds someone better, someone who can give him what he wants, someone he wants more.
Just like he did before to someone else for me.
And this fear .. it's holding me back. Too far back. Like some invisible barrier my heart built around itself to prevent getting hurt again. I can't love with my all anymore when there's a wall between my heart and everyone else now.
Does it has to hurt this much to love? I thought everything could be like a fairy tale.. so perfect. Get real.
Maybe i need to grow up. Nothing is perfect, right? There ain't such a thing as forever, eh?
I'd rather blind myself to everything than to believe that. Yes, denial is pretty much the bestest friend i have around.
I LOVE HIM. Always had, always do, always will. But it felt so different now that i woke up. The world looked so different.
Someone tell me how to get back into that dream i once have. Please.
4 comments:
Trust is indeed a fragile thing, once earned, it gives us tremendous freedom, but once broken or in suspicion, it will never be the same anymore.
gay men aren't exactly the most loyal,loving,optimistic men on earth. hehe. i know that sucks, but thats how reality is!
when you love, you take risks. the risk of giving your heart and love away knowing that it will hurt like hell if it is not returned/or if it is betrayed, but hoping that the person will never do such a thing.
sometimes things may not turn out the way we expect it, or may not be how we want it to be, its never too late to do smth about it!
conc on ya a-levels la kiddo :)
-cb
it is somehow wat i feel now too! :)
Love is a state of psychosis. It makes you deluded.
Anyway, your still young, so, don't worry. Plenty of other ppl in KL. ;)
why settle for second best and infidelity? when u can and deserve to be the one and only.
just an old man talking. choice is yours still :)
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