inevitably ..

.. I'll contract some kind of STD with the kind of life I'm leading. So it didn't really come as a surprise when I started to feel like I'm peeing fire the past week. I think I've not done too bad making it to 28 years old before getting my first STD (yes, I do get tested regularly).

What did come as a surprise though, is when the nurse said the treatment will be some pills and an injection. I could probably see myself going white as a sheet at the mention of that. It's ironic that I stick needles into others on a daily basis, but when it's me on the other side I just become frozen with fear.

To be fair, the injection fucking hurts. And the pills make me sick.

The next step is contact tracing, and I have a pretty good idea who I might have got it from. Fortunately it's only been a month since my last all-clear, so narrowing down the suspects isn't particularly hard. For some reason I have been getting quite a bit of attention on Grindr recently, but with a low-ish sex drive I've managed to fend most of them off. Except the hot ones of course :P

The nurse did ask if I wanted them to contact my sexual partners anonymously, and after some thought I guess it's best just to do it myself. It wasn't me who is passing it on in the first place, why should I be scared of telling them? On the other hand, I don't hold the slightest bit of grudge, or even disappointment. Perhaps I know it's all my own fault anyway.

So would this at least make me have second thoughts about having unprotected sex? Sad as it may sound, I doubt it. It has pretty much become a kind of addiction, a fetish of mine. It'll probably take a lot more than this to knock some sense into myself. Probably something that involves a huge mallet.

confessions of a straight guy

"I don't know how to explain it. I'm straight, like. I mean I don't look at guys and think I want to fuck them. It's only when I'm pissed that I want to do this. When I'm sober, this won't cross my mind at all. I'll usually wake up the next morning and think what the fuck have I done and feel bad about it," he said as he sat next to me on the couch in the dark.

"I have a bird, like."

That, after literally hours of subjecting me to fuck and be fucked by him. I kinda played the submissive role and just went along with whatever he wanted to do, and he was one horny bastard last night.

"No offense, but are you gay?" Ah isn't he an inquisitive one.

"Pretty sure I am (after all that sex we just had), can't you tell?" I chuckled silently.

"Not really. Have you ever had sex with a lass?"

"No, but I don't really have the urge to."

"Ah so you're a virgin then." He said matter-of-factly.

"I guess I am in a way." I laughed again. To be honest, this is the first time I ever had such conversation with a 'straight' guy. He went on to mention something about how I know I'm gay if I never had sex with a girl, and I turned it around and stated that's the same as straight guys who never had sex with guys.

After a short while in the dark silence as I try to get some rest on the couch, he prodded me with his foot and tells me to suck on his hard dick. Second round, here we go again, I thought wearily. Can't I get some rest around here?

--

This was also the first time I snorted coke. If it was meant to do anything, it didn't aside from making me wide awake at 5am in the morning.

Don't do drugs, kids.

conventionally

If I die today, one of the things I would regret is not having slept with a guy who is conventionally good looking.

But that may change in the very near future!

Okay I'm beginning to sound like a sex addict, I think I should be worried.

PS - on another note, almost always the ones with a hot body aren't good looking, and the good looking ones don't have a hot bod ..

50 shades

"It's nice to have a craic first when meeting someone new, you know?" he said. "Instead of just having fun and that's it." He gave a shuddering gesture.

I looked over to the Polish guy sitting next to him, who appeared to be trying hard to understand what he's saying. "He talks too fast," he finally admitted. The three of us laughed.

--

For all the bad press that Grindr gets, there's one thing it does that make it worthwhile sometimes. You see, without Grindr there's no way I'd have met these guys (I'm still not sure whether they're a couple). We live in different towns, work in totally different industries, and the only thing we have in common is our sexual orientation. Yet here we are, together in a room talking and having a laugh over some drinks. Lovely guys, a refreshing change from the usual fuck-and-go attitude.

Funny that, much as I am an introvert, I do enjoy meeting strangers and building new friendships. You learn so much about life outside of your own social circle and environment. Over the next couple hours, we basically boozed ourselves up and talked about random stuff. And well, after that comes the time - I've been invited over for "fun" after all.

Amidst my drunken state, he mentioned something about using the handcuffs on the Polish guy, who just gave a laugh. Then he looked at me and smiled, and before I knew it I've got leather handcuffs binding my hands behind my back. Right, this is interesting. My virginal bondage session? I pondered on that thought while trying hard to keep myself from tumbling over.

The next hour was just a blur, but I swear I've never been that physically exhausted before. And midway through it, I caught a glimpse of a huge dildo. Fuck. But it's all good fun.

--

I left for home the next morning, and received a text from him just as I got into my car. "Thanks for last nite, hope you will come again x". Hmm, what's in store next?

fleeting

He lies next to me in bed, not saying a word. I had my head next to his, eyes closed, listening to his breathing.

The feeling of being with someone, next to each other, in blissful silence. Sharing a moment in time together. Even just for a while. How I miss this.

Before long, he got up from bed and said he has to go. I gave him a hug from behind as he dressed himself up. I didn't want to be left alone again, but I knew this is just a temporary measure. For both of us.

The same thing has repeated ad nauseum in my life the past 5 years. Different guy, different bed, same fleeting moments. I long for company. Physically and emotionally.

--

"You're a cool guy." He'd said that to me at various times. "What's your long term plans?"

Ah. You can sniff out his intention from miles away. Someone actually almost going to chase after me. Cute.

"Yeah, I suppose moving around so much isn't good for relationships." He conceded, surprisingly he knows a real lot about my job.

It's partly true. Distance does make relationships extremely hard, I'll know. But if the right guy comes along I'll sure as hell try my best to work it out. I'd even surprised myself that I would spend 4 hours every week on the road for less than 2 days with someone. Shame that other person doesn't appreciate it, but I should stop being such a bitter cow.

This guy though, nice as he is, I'm not attracted to him. Perhaps I have too often had this 'ideal guy' image in my mind stopped me from liking someone too. I'm still young, surely there's someone better out there. I kept telling myself. Except, my 'eligibility' as a gay guy is dropping exponentially with age. Youth is a much sought after commodity in the gay world, that I tell you.

There have been the odd guys that seem just nice enough to be in a relationship with, but the stars never aligned for anything to happen. And sometimes, you don't notice what's around you until they're gone.

Not all's doom and gloom of course. I've got a pseudo-date coming up this Saturday. And also I've been chatting with another one though he lives 200 miles away.

Shame both of them are younger than me. Judging by my 'ideal guy' criteria, they probably won't make the cut. But it's nice to get to know people, at the very least you'll find out what you're not looking for haha.

--

I tried to make a list of all the guys I've ever had sex with the other day.

It's worrying how the numbers add up without me realising it. Give or take a few that I've inevitably forgotten, it's currently close to 50. And a significant number of them I don't even know the names of.

I would hate myself if I had any sense of self-pity, the sad truth is I'm lapping up all the attention while I could.

Inferiority complex, oh how silly of me to think I could ever beat you.

the trysts

The front door judders ever so slightly. My eyes shot up towards the direction of the door, while trying not to fall over with my legs halfway through my jeans.

"Don't worry it's just someone downstairs. When they close the main door the whole building shakes." He reassured me.

"Fuck's sake. I thought someone was coming in!" I whispered loudly and continued to dress myself.

Why was I worried? I wasn't the one in the wrong. Or was I?

--

He's one half of my new neighbours that I got acquainted with through Grindr, of all things. They've been married for 2 years I think. Or longer, I can't remember. I've met both of them, and messaged each other rather regularly. Of course I suspect the main reason they persisted was to get me down to my knickers, evident from the tone of messages I get from them. But threesome's really not something I'm into, as I've told them.

This is the third shag I've had with this half of the couple now. After the first time he mentioned to me not to tell anyone else, because his husband will kick him out of the house if he found out. Suits me, I'm not one to talk anyway. It's interesting though, because his husband is the one who I chatted with most of the time, yet he's the one I shagged.

Not that it matters. I get my sex and that's all good for me. Perhaps one finds out about it through experience, but cock size does matter in gay sex. And he's just the right size to hit the spot.

Needless to say there's plenty more shags with him coming up, although his premature ejaculation is getting in the way too much of our enjoyment. My delayed ejaculation (I honestly just give up sometimes) isn't helping either.

--

On an unrelated note, I just found out my douche glows in the dark. Uhh.. nifty.

goodbye

I had thought about it a long time. I thought about it while we were on holiday in Amsterdam for your birthday. I thought about it all the days, weeks we spent apart after that.

How you never seem to care.

The day we returned from Amsterdam, when you gave back my birthday present for you and tell me to return it, just hours after you bought something similar to replace it. I thought maybe your heart is not in this relationship after all. As soon as I got home I sent you a text, saying we need to have "the talk". I told you to think about what you actually want, and I will do likewise.

Those weeks after that, I came to the conclusion that love was never easy. Maybe I was too rash. I shouldn't give up just like that, it is not easy to find someone who loves you after all. So I took a fresh new look at our relationship and told myself to give it another go.

I informed you in advance that I will be coming up to spend the weekend with you, after a month of not seeing each other. You said cool.

I drove for 2 hours in the dark, after my long shift at work. I was late, so I said I'll pick you up straight from work. You said it's okay, you will go out for a drink with your colleagues first, somewhere nearby. I said fine, I'll wait for you in the carpark when I arrive then and you can let me know when you're ready to go.

So I waited. Holding my phone in my hands, waiting for your message so we can go to bed early as I was exhausted.

And I waited for a whole hour. One, fucking, hour.

In the car, in the cold. No reply from you. Not even a simple text telling me to go back by myself first.

I even had to piss by the roadside because there were no toilets around, that's how humiliating I got.

That was then I knew that this relationship is going nowhere. When you decided that having a drink with your workmates is more important than seeing me for the first time after more than a month, that it is worth making me wait a whole hour without so much courtesy as to send me a message to say how long you might take, that's it.

I can do better than this. So much better.

Goodbye.